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Graduation Part II: Reality

ericaanne

Updated: May 27, 2022

When we showed up to the graduation venue, Nick was on edge. I could feel it. I was still worried, but as we got inside and started to get dressed in our gowns, the excitement of the festivities seemed to distract him enough to get through it.


We entered the auditorium. We were sat alphabetically and I hadn't changed my last name when we got married, so I was at the front of the line and he was in the middle. I wasn't sure if I was glad for the separation or not. On the one hand, it meant I would have some distance from his anxiety and worrying about how he'd get through the whole thing. On the other hand, we had battled our way through this program together and it felt strange not to sit next to him. Not only did we sit next to each other in every class for nearly three and a half years, study together, and take board exams together, but we also got through his dad's death, their family dog's death, his aunt's death, a stress-induced seizure he had in class after all of the deaths, several subsequent neurologist appointments, tinnitus, OCD, and his hospitalization. It felt like a momentous occasion and I wouldn't be next to him for it.


Our commencement speaker was a teacher of ours. Nick happened to have his seizure in this teacher's class. A couple weeks following the seizure, Nick had joked with him that his voice induced the seizure. In starting his speech, our teacher opened with "My voice has been known to induce seizures. Please be aware and exit the room if necessary." The whole class laughed and I could hear Nick laughing a few rows behind me. It was a good sign.


We got through the rest of the ceremony. We walked across the stage, accepted our degrees, and said the chiropractic oath. I cried a bit when Nick accepted his degree, knowing how badly his dad would have wanted to see it and knowing how much Nick went through to get here.


I had spent so many days leading up to graduation worrying and trying to predict and prepare for what might happen. I was worried it would be a total disaster. In reality, graduation went completely fine. I wouldn't go so far to say Nick enjoyed the day (you can tell by looking at our graduation photos that he was definitely not okay), but he got through it. He didn't retreat to his video games halfway through the day. There was no family drama. We enjoyed dinner with both of our families. I got to spend time with my best friend from home. It was actually a fun day. Nick didn't even play video games at the end of the night. He went out with some friends.

The movers were scheduled to come the next morning to pack up the apartment. The plan was to pack up their truck, drive my friend to the airport, and then head to my parents' house where we would be spending our Christmas break.


It didn't go as planned.


I had spent weeks packing and trying to make this day smooth, but I had severely underestimated how much more I needed to pack. I spent the night of graduation packing while drinking champagne with my friend. All three of us spent the next morning packing frantically. Then the movers showed up and had to help. By the time I needed to drive my friend to the airport, we were only halfway done. The airport was two hours away and on my way to my parents' house. It made no sense for me to return to the apartment after I dropped her off. I had no choice but to leave it all in Nick's hands. He was annoyed, but he understood. I also thought this would be a good opportunity for him to realize he can still do productive, and frustrating, things while he was suffering.


We packed up my car to the roof with things I'd be driving out to Colorado, made some space for Daisy in the back seat, and drove off. My friend was the only person all weekend who had a front row ticket to seeing how Nick was operating. Even though graduation had gone well, the day before hadn't been so great. He played video games for most of the day and didn't spend much time with us. She could also see how frustrated he was that we were leaving him to finish packing. As we drove off, she said "I know that he's suffering, but it still makes me frustrated for you how addicted he is to video games," just as anyone would tell their friend whose husband developed an alcohol addiction while dealing with mental illness.


We eventually made it to the airport. I gave her a huge hug; the last hug I'd give her for almost two and a half years. She lived in Canada and it was hard living so far from her, especially when my life had become this stressful. I cried as I got in my car and headed towards my parents' house.


I pulled into their driveway an hour later and around 9pm, Nick called me.


"The movers just left. I think I'm going to stay in the apartment one more night."


"Why?" I was perplexed. Where would he sleep? They took everything.


"I just want to play video games one more night since I know I won't be able to while we're at your parents' house," he justified. We had talked about it several times. I had told him that he wasn't going to be able to play video games for the next two weeks. We didn't see my family very often and we were going to spend time with them. I'm sure the thought of it scared him. He had tried to compromise several times, but I wasn't budging.


"Where are you going to sleep?" I asked, confused.


"I have a blanket and a pillow. I'll just sleep on the floor."


I was annoyed. But I was also tired of fighting with him. "Alright. I'll see you tomorrow, I guess," I said as I hung up the phone.


I had just gone to bed and was starting to drift off when my phone started buzzing. He was calling again. "I have a major problem. I'm completely addicted to video games. I was looking around the empty apartment and realized I was staying there just to play them like a total addict. I'm packing up and leaving now. I'll be there in a few hours." Finally, he had realized how much of a problem this addiction was. He would get to the house 3 hours later, leave everything in the car, and go straight to bed.

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